Bigsley the Oaf


Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on October 8, 2013

you want to feel that they like you
you care what they think about you
and you’re smart enough to know that they know you do

drifting in and out of easy
fingers stroking your cheek
you remember an easy childhood
everything tender and expressible
your fragility perched like an easy finch in the smallest particle of your heart

now it’s not so
just reflections of memory
attempting to claw back
but you’ve peeled away and you
know that they know that you think about what they think of you
and you know that they know that you know that
and it doesn’t end you’re caught in a delirious howling



Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on October 7, 2013

I hallucinate the silence of your skin is a call to speak
My hands drift up and in and out and down
Callouses pulling on rough patches, stray hairs
I dream of romance in flesh
Because soul is too dull, now

Strong Open Groups (notional)

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on September 23, 2013

I want there to exist a solution to the problem of group
creation/maintainance, online. Specifically, a system which allows users
to form groups in whatever way they desire.

For instance, suppose you wanted to create a group online which accepted
new members through the following process:

– In order to become a new member, you must submit a maximum 500-word
written account of why you would like to be included in the group.

– The current members of the group are allowed to vote on whether or not
the new member will be allowed. Either a 70% quorum must be reached in
10 days for the vote to be considered valid. 66% of responding group
members must agree on acceptance for the new member to be accepted.

How would you create such a group? What’s more, how could you integrate
such a solution seemlessly into a system like reddit, or quora, where
you might want to interact with a limited number of people?

How do you build walls in the internet?

There are obviously some requirements for such a system to function:

1. The identity of group members must be unique (one person must not be
allowed to have multiple accounts)

2. Group members must have a means of identifying themselves which is
protected. E.g. each member might have a cryptographic key which is a
hash of some group secret key and their own personal key.


Potential Applications:

– Imagine if reddit integrated this system. It might be able to solve
the problem where having too many random new members dillutes the
material. You could invite a core group of friends, then only allow
members into the group which has access to the usual reddit interface.

– The example of a rule set which I gave above would be useful for a
social media site, but imagine a system in which you want to give
rights to an admin to allow new members into the system, e.g. in
creating new accounts in business software. They might write out rules
— In order to become a new member, a member of a special class of
members (admins) must approve the new member.



– One big question is how to give a language for defining the “system of
rules” which allows new members to be added, old members to be deleted,
etc. A specification for such a groups system might be written in an actual
DSL, such is the generality required.

– Another big question is how to bootstrap the process. E.g. how to add
initial members, though I suppose this could just be included in the
initial request.

– Obviously the set of rules should be visible by everyone – e.g. there
should be no back doors allowed.

– Canonical group modifications are: add member, delete member, delete
group, validate membership

– How does group membership checking work? Probably some crypto shit
like the server sends you a key which you hash with your private key
(which it also has) and then checks the hash…
— some of this may be able to be handled by having users’ membership
keys on a secure server and give them access to these keys through a
password (otherwise they can keep their keys on their own computer)


API (first pass):

POST group
members: [member]
rules: string
-> id: integer

display_name: string
uuid: string

DELETE group
id: integer
-> success: boolean

PUT group
id: integer
member_id: integer
modification: string

GET membership_challenge
group_id: integer
-> challenge: string

GET membership_solution
group_id: integer
member_id: integer
challenge: string
solution: string
-> success: boolean

where is metaphysics

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on September 11, 2013

someone says something’s bad yeah yeah

i say “well, if it’s bad, then where did it come from? did it come from bad?”

someone says it came from bad yeah yeah

“Well, where did that bad come from? Was it bad all the way back?”

and so we realize there was good in it, too
and there’s no bad
duality’s an illusion
yada yada
and it helps us relax

but where does this relaxation take place?

metaphysics has an effect too,
maybe your MP professor hits your brain in a certain way
gets into your psychological fuck-spot
spills some seed / makes some babies

metaphysical babies, what/where are they?


stop STOP
with categorization
I am tired tired tired
of abstraction

yes, it’s powerful
yes, computers blah
yes, ontology

but come ON can’t we just live in the world for a while
without “this is cup, this is human”
just with “this is”
why is this so hard?

layer upon layer upon layer
a million layers of abstraction towering into emptiness
stop it 
I want to stop seeing “cup” and “table” and “computer”
I want to just see

But seeing “cup” is a seeing of a thing
in my mind
ugh, these knots!
who can untie them? 
is there anyway to undo this conundrum


because your metaphysics still is a thing you’re seeing, still is an object in the world, still is a thing to interact with
so musn’t it follow its own rules?
but how can it contain itself, if nothing can?
so it must be a ghost, a delusion, a figment
all philosophy is golden lies
the philosopher’s stone is a reflection of this:
you cannot turn lead into gold
you cannot turn idle thought into beautiful thought

do, be, live, love


Intense Navel Gaze

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on August 29, 2013

I was talking to my friend Nagle about why I talk so damn much and he actually had a pretty good model to describe it, which I’m going to paraphrase here.

Every time we have a pressing question which society doesn’t have a ready-made answer for, it feels like we’re internally pressurized. E.g. I might have a question like “why is such a small percentage of the population freaking out about global warming?” There’s no really obvious and clear way to answer this question, so I have to find the answer somehow. Having a question like this makes my head feel like it’s ready to blow.

So it seems like a big part of the reason I’m in some state of perpetual existential crisis/weirdness is that I have so many pressing, difficult questions about reality and people floating around in my head. I’m not saying that other people aren’t interested in reality – it just seems like thought-reality itself seems to carry more emotional significance for me in short-term, directly-observable ways, than it does for other people.

Sometimes I can get upset for days about a question like “why is there anything, at all?” But then I ask someone else this question and they couldn’t give a shit.

I think that part of the reason that my thoughts are so emotionally vivid for me is some sort of mild pseudo-synesthesia. My linguistic thoughts cause perpetual and vivid avalanches of visual and audial phenomena – when I think about global warming I see visions of cities burning, hear screaming voices, etc. This means that thoughts I have necessarily carry a lot of weight.

Fuck, this sounds really arrogant. See! Even the question of “is this the right type of post to write? will people be offended by this?” carries huge weight for me. This is the stuff that analysis paralysis is made of. It’s a wonder I’m functional at all.

Cuz you know, at the end of the day, fuck it.

Social Paranoia/Claustrophobia + Miley Cyrus VMA’s Performance

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on August 27, 2013

“Is there a way to combine the indulgences of impurity and the blessings of purity?”

– Philip Wadler

“Yet in order to sustain his creed, contemporary man pays the price in a remarkable lack of introspection. He is blind to the fact that, with all his rationality and efficiency he is possessed by “powers” that are beyond his control. His gods and demons have not disappeared at all; they have merely got new names. They keep him on the run with restlessness, vague apprehensions, psychological complications, an insatiable need for pills, alcohol, tabacco, food – and, above all, a large array of neuroses.”

– Carl Jung

“I believe in clear-cut positions. I think that the most arrogant position is this apparent, multidisciplinary modesty of “what I am saying now is not unconditional, it is just a hypothesis,” and so on. It really is a most arrogant position. I think that the only way to be honest and expose yourself to criticism is to state clearly and dogmatically where you are. You must take the risk and have a position.”

– Slavoj Žižek

About two years ago, I decided it was time to de-friend everyone on Facebook and retreat into a sort of social media hermeticism. I deleted my OkCupid account and stopped tweeting. I removed everything from my Facebook account except for my picture and de-friended everyone who wasn’t a close friend.

I retreated abruptly and completely because I found that, by opening myself up to what my friends were posting, what they were genuinely expressing, I was being subjected to a mindless onslaught of contemporary bullshit which I was tremendously uncomfortable associating with them. What I saw was a cadre of people certain in their beliefs – resolute that the media they were observing was real and meaningful, and that their reactions were genuinely their own.

If you actually got anything from my last post, hopefully it was a feeling that I’m at a sort of weird standstill in my life. On the one hand, I want to commit to the things I care about and follow them with certainty and faith that they are, in fact, real and meaningful. On the other hand, I’m reluctant to let go of my skepticism/distance/objectivity – it feels safe – a womb which allows me to believe things without truly believing in them or following through based on my beliefs. Seeing such earnest and naive displays of attention to contemporary noise (e.g. Sarah Palin) was disappointing and made me feel alone.

Last June, following my divorce, I decided that it was time to re-join the world and start meeting people again, so I added back some people as friends, started going to parties + meeting new folks + adding + them + as + friends + on + Facebook. I wanted to be invited to events and take part in “society” again. My marriage had, to some extent, been a retreat into a 2-person weirdo cult, and I wanted to open back up to society. I even got a job at a company with more than 5 people.


Today I logged onto facebook and someone had posted a picture of Miley Cyrus shaking her ass on Robin Thicke’s dick, but he had been photoshopped to have Beetlejuice’s face.

Then I went to work, and people were talking about this shit.

Then my friend Jason mentioned that he had heard about this shit, and he’s one of the more insulated motherfuckers I know. Of course, he was talking about the fact that he wished he was somehow able to insulate himself from this ridiculous noise.

Then I watched the fucking video and almost vomited. Using black people as fucking props what a piece of shit.

Then I read a Huffington Post post.

Then I decided to write this post.

In this post-post-post-post-…-post-everything culture can we really expect that the Huffington Post reaction is not part of the marketing scheme for this disgust? People read the H.P. to feel self-righteous, and the H.P. delivered.

Did they calculate that I’d write this post? Did the marketing team crafting this viral nonsense know that I’d be having these reactions? Are they that insidious?

Can I propose that the H.P. article is actually part of the apparatus of racism, because it gets page views (makes money) by making entertainment out of the act of being racist?

Miley’s up there wagging her vag in everyone’s face and spanking black women, and the most they can come up with is:

“Cyrus is annexing working-class black “ratchet” culture, the potent sexual symbolism of black female bodies, to the cause of her reinvention: her transformation from squeaky-clean Disney-pop poster girl to grown-up hipster-provocateur.”

Why is the rhetoric in the H.P. not borderline-violent? This shit is not OK anymore. It’s not funny, it’s not interesting, the reactions aren’t interesting, nothing is interesting about it. It’s just not OK. It’s offensive, insulting, and horrifying. It’s a way that black people continue to be oppressed – the fact that there is not unanimous and extreme white disapproval of this sends the message that we simply don’t care if a white girl appropriates elements of a culture that isn’t hers and uses people as objects. What is the result of a culture bristling this much? Why do we let her get to us?

It’s like kids on a playground. Kid A likes to taunt Kid B because he knows he’ll get a reaction. This basically continues until Kid B punches Kid A in his stupid fucking face. Fuck Miley Cyrus, let’s destroy the media.

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on August 26, 2013

heart heart heart heart noisy heart heart

noisy mind noisy heart


check facebook don’t check facebook
check twitter don’t check twitter
workin a job gonna work that job gonna work work work that job
gotta get that money gotta make that money
gotta maintain the life STYLE maintain the life THING

you know it’s like if you drop out of our lifestyle then everyone will stop loving you but it’s not because they never loved you in the first place it’s because their love was a function of your lifestyle and your embedding in society

it’s like, there’s no such thing as anything to you but why would there be but then why does it feel as if there is

it’s as if the nature of our connection to reality is itself some sort of weird self-defeating paradox

it’s as if the connection itself is paradoxical – that knowing anything is its unknowing, that any self-knowledge can only create, intrinsically, deeper pits of ignorance to fall into 


someone claims to see something but in that claiming they lose their doubt but in losing their doubt they become less self-aware, less conscious of the potential falsehood of their knowledge

to have any sort of extrinsic knowledge is to forego intrinsic knowledge

a person composed entirely of extrinsic understanding has no self-knowledge – what would be the use – to the extent that we are wholly informational systems (not only our brains) our reflection of the outside means that we must necessarily not reflect the inside

this property of the nature of consciousness is frustrating to the extreme – because you can make a choice, but any choice that you make it simply the flipping of a bit, the revelation of an informational state of reality



I don’t know if any of this is clear – I’m not going back to re-read, re-edit, I’m trying to paint a picture of an idea I have, of a thing I can see but can never describe

I don’t know what to do

I don’t know what to do

I don’t know what to do

Static / Dynamic

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on August 9, 2013

Static is small time scales, full description.

Dynamic is large time scales, partial description.

Given a finite representational space, large time scales require coarser encodings, due to their having more data. Thus, dynamic representational schemes must be low resolution in proportion to the time scales under consideration.

Smaller time scales do not have this requirement, since they have comparatively little data to represent. Thus, static representational schemes can be higher resolution.

Contemporary american society is obsessed with the dynamic – in change over time scales. What is lost is our vision – we do not have the time to look around us and see how things really are. We must only pay attention to those facts that are most directly related to our material progress.

Many other societies seem more interested in the static. I’m not saying that no one in the US is interested in the static, I’m just talking about societal priorities. Japanese culture, for instance, seems somewhat more interested in the static – in how things are now rather than how they’re changing, or where they’re going.

Alan Watts says that those who pay attention to tomorrow use up their energy in this attention, and thus are unprepared for tomorrow.

Those who pay attention to the moment do what they’ll need for tomorrow as a matter of course.


Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on August 3, 2013

For about a month I haven’t really been able to shower because the shower drain was backed up with disgust. I bought some Drano but I kept leaving it at Z’s house, but finally


I was home, and I had my drano, and I poured it down the drain.

(Listening to the Smiths, now, cuz I fixed my speakers too, and it feels soooo good)

No, no, wait, it all makes sense.

At first, when I tried to flush the drain after applying the drano, the water pooled like it had when the pipe was unobstructed. I was heartbroken.

But then, then! With a gurgle and a start it all started to flowwww dowwwn and I felt

with it

all my fears and paranoias and worries

anxieties all my “what if the world ends in flames” all my “is love real?” all my “what’s real, anyway?” all my “am I good enough”




down the drain with it.

I felt alive and free and completely full of hope. And I laughed and laughed and I laughed and laughed.

We accumulate so much shit! And to think that all we need is some chemical slurry poured down our throats to clean it out.

This is probably the weirdest thing I’ve ever written.

Ideas for Blog Posts

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on June 25, 2013

(a list I’ve been making)

– (Computer Science) Library creation as act of supreme faith
— must believe that abstraction is Essential/Intransient
— raises questions about why people create libraries? what motivates?
— e.g. Jenkins – boring as shittt

– What it feels like to read shit-tons of code

– Two people simultaneously experiencing a holy event & fallout

– Teleology of programming – if inanimate matter is “hell” then we either bring ourselves to it or it to us
— recast faust legend w/r/t machines/computers
— infinite mindless repetition of archetypes

– How to create an archetype?
— are new archetypes possible?

– communities organized around mechanisms for coping with stress created
by the stress of systematic material interaction (capitalism)

Big Ideas for Songs:
– Utopia
– Hell

Research topics:
– Elijah/Isaiah