Bigsley the Oaf

saying these words

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on January 31, 2013

i want to cry / i want to cry / i want to cry / i want you to

punch me hit me knees break my knees pull out my tongue

I WANT TO CRY / I WANT TO CRY / I WANT TO CRY / I WANT YOU TO

scratch me claw me crack my neck snap my spine slap face spit 

i want to / i want to / i want to cry / i want to cry / i want to cry / i want you to

pour salt in my wounds force my face up

to God’s face make me stare into his eyes

tears welling up spilling seas soft lick touch flower kiss flower flower kiss flower cry flowery kiss tears swelling up spelling out s-e-a-s soft lick touch flower kiss flower flower kiss flower petal tears tear me down eyes pointing at the soil water pour water seas s-e-a-s swelling up spilling out watery seas softly licking flower petal flowers petals sour sour flower fleur

the fact

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on January 29, 2013

the fact the fact the fact

it’s here in my heart, the fact

the fact: it’s here in my heart

oh my god, the fact, the fact

it hurts it hurts it hurts

the fact, the fact, the fact:

I want to show you everything
I want you to show everything

Small Thought: Drugs and Human Organization

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on January 23, 2013

I find it frustrating that a certain class of questions is not being asked. Namely, to what extent and in what ways does drug use affect human organization?

Can we build software for people on mushrooms to use? Can we plug someone on DMT into a computer and make something truly ridiculous happen?

Can we make an effective company/research team where everyone’s on drugs all the time? We all know that art made by people on drugs gets pretty fucking ridiculous/quality – but what are the bounds of this? What are the best drugs to make art on?

I’m tired of building software for sober motherfuckers. Why are any of us sober, anymore?

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on January 17, 2013

Out beyond blank black space in white space, I was in the depths of a rapturous contemplation when a small voice snapped me over to the right.

Blink.

Large smiling eyes, bright gaping grin, overwhelmed by this WHAT? Who’s here, what’s he doing in my space, how did he get here “oh,

HELLO!

I knew you’d be here, here, here I am! I was sure that someone would have found this place by now,” he said:

“Did you know that, though you live as a servant of Virtue, you will one day be free, and Virtue will serve you?” he said:

“Did you know that mathematics is the minimal system which completely describes itself?” he said:

“Did you know a heart burning radiant, a star, a glyph, two doves, a cackling jester, blind, raving? Did you know a tinfoil hat and a cigar? Did you know staples through the lip, pins through the eyes, castration, amputation, death!?”

And I was smiling wide, wide,
out beyond my ears, tears, stream of moments collapsing into,
wide wide smile to not be alone in my space of

demon demon
treasure treasure
life & death &
pleasure pleasure

He/Her

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on January 12, 2013

He made a sunrise for
Her to see
She made a smile for
Him to see

Their art was made
Momentarily
Consumed and distributed
Cellularly

The State of Things

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on January 10, 2013

I use Google Reader.
In Google Reader I have a folder labeled “sexy.”
The folder labeled “sexy” draws from a number of tumblrs & blogs which serve content that I sometimes find sexually arousing.
Google Reader indicated that my sexy folder had two unseen posts – I looked at it and discovered that one of these posts is a picture of a woman with a zipper piercing being pissed on.
There are many men in the world who are looking at the very same picture, stroking their penises.
Each of those men had a mother and a father.
You are reading about this, and you have a mother and a father.
Some of those men who I referenced are reaching climax just now. They are both reaching climax when I wrote this originally and now, as you read these words, though likely the ones reaching climax during the former now are different from those reaching climax during the latter now.
There are also women masturbating to this picture.
This picture has inspired many erotic and sexual thoughts in those who looked at it.
The woman in the picture had a mother and a father.
I recognize her. She’s a rather famous kinky porn actress named Cherry Torn.
Her contribution to the world is public humiliation. She has inspired over one million orgasms – perhaps closer to a billion. A billion orgasms. My blog has been viewed thousands of times. She has inspired over a thousand times more orgasms than the number of blog views that my writing has inspired over its history.
I am afraid that I do not have anything as inspiring in me as her ability to get pissed on.
What do I do with this belief?
How can I even begin to think of my “value” except w/r/t my ability to interact with other people and somehow change them?
Such thoughts lead to suicidal urges, sometimes.
Are we all condemned to be valuable to only a few people?
We must be. It’s the nature of attention.
Perhaps the world would be a better and more friendly place if everyone were assigned an audience, and you could only pay attention to the person you were assigned to.
This pissed on woman is getting way too much attention, yeah?
Fuckin’ hell.

I Knew You Were Trouble

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on January 10, 2013

I don’t even dislike this shit. I just have no fucking clue what it is, where it’s located, who likes it, who who who who? Who is listening to this song and thinking “yes, I know exactly how this feels!” ?!!? What teenager is sitting at home painting her toenails and thinking about how her shitty loser boyfriend with jean vest and neck tattoos doesn’t really love her like she expected him to (but knew he would not (given that everyone of any age is now infinitely sophisticated (post-singularity)))).

I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE WHEN YOU WALKED IN
SO SHAME ON ME NAH-OW

Perhaps the teenager knows that this is a spell concocted in a laboratory and her listening is some sort of ironic auto-articulation, erotic juxtaposition, what can even be wrong, now, when everything is packaged up as a clean rebellion – does White Society even have a horizon, anymore? I feel like it’s sucking into its own center, eating itself,

NOW I’M LYING ON THE COLD HARD GROUND
OH OHHHHH
TROUBLE TROUBLE TROUBLE

Can’t even feel anything, anymore, when I see anything, anymore, because what does anything mean? What could anything mean? What could anything possibly be interpreted into? I’m reading the fucking New Testament in order to get some sort of ground, but that shit is NOT WORKING I PUSHED SOMEONE ON MUSHROOMS THE OTHER DAY IT IS JUST ANOTHER FIXATION ANOTHER OBSESSIVE SPIRAL THAT I BELIEVE WILL LEAD ME SOMEWHERE BUT IT IS GOING NOWHERE FUCK YOU *$%($#@*%&@#*(%&*@(#&%*(@#&%

NO APOLOGIES
HE’LL NEVER SEE YOU CRY
PRETEND HE DOESN’T KNOW
THAT HE’S THE REASON WHY
YOU’RE DROWNING
YOU’RE DROWNING
YOU’RE DROWNING-G-G-G-G

[So I posted this and then I realized like, watching this song caused me to feel this and write this and so maybe it’s just so raw pure emotion now that it can plaster itself onto anything, coloring anything, it colored itself, colored me, maybe the hollywood music wizards are so powerful now that they can destroy or create anything / I wonder if they could write a spell to destroy me?]

forget

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on January 10, 2013

I want to forget –
Everything,
how it felt the first time my heart
broke
how it felt the second time and I want to forget
how it felt when I stopped caring I want to forget
everything I know about the Bible, everything I know about the Internet

I desire to forget every dark thing,
Shadows dancing on the surface of a bubble:
The existence of the bubble,
The inside facts and outside facts,
I’ve seen too, far too much

When I come to Rest,
it will all drain out of me –
Sewage into a Swamp.

heart

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on January 7, 2013

If I were to go away, would you follow me to the ends of the earth?
To show me what your love is worth?
Or would you go and buy a car, shrug your shoulders, say “There you are?”
“She didn’t love me, anyway, if she had she would have stayed.”

 

If I were to go away, would I always look for your beautiful eyes in every crowd, every place?
Or would I go and buy a hat, turn my shoulder, say “that is that?”
“He didn’t love me, now it’s clear, if he had, he would be here.”

My heart is fertile, and I’m waiting. I weed and fertilize. There is water and sun, children dancing in a nearby field. I hope that something takes root, before the floods come.

Confession

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on January 6, 2013

I confess that I spend too much time with my computer. I confess that I have played games when action was needed. I confess that I don’t believe in Love, sometimes. I confess that I have been hard to those who needed softness. I have lied to homeless men and women about not having change.

I have allowed fear to win many battles.