Bigsley the Oaf

Nightmare / Diamond Heart

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on September 28, 2012

I was in the middle of reading this brilliant piece by Dale Beran when the image of a fully-formed web app and corresponding set of social behaviors floated up into my mind-eye.

I imagined a world where everyone had a calendar but no one discussed anything around scheduling. To get time with someone you had to place a request on their calendar which they could either agree to or ignore. But this applied to everything – sex, shopping, whatever. If you wanted to have a date with Suzy you didn’t ask her out – instead you put a request on her calendar for Wednesday night. To ask someone out in person or to suggest a “play date” for your children using email would constitute a massive transgression against social order and might be illegal.

The imagined manifestations of this abstract principle took the form of nightmare creatures: Men and women who are always silently rejected but cannot complain about their plight – driven to suicide from touch deprivation – putting “hugs” on their calendars – being denied – slowly sinking into drug abuse and esoteric/extreme masturbatory acts. Or the inverse – a supplicating and sexy creature of pure hedonism who is constantly bombarded by requests for touch and sex and, being nymphomaniacally or chemically or altruistically driven to the extreme of accepting all external desires, exhausts whatever finite supply of sexual tension we innately have as humans, becoming a limp and over-pleasured doll.

I suppose another element of this nightmare is that it’s something that I desire (it seems intuitively true that nightmares must be desired) – in fact, it was borne out of a desire that I had for more efficient/less awkward communication of scheduling. I find it tremendously difficult and awkward to arrange time to see people/hang out/whatever. Partly this is because I undervalue myself and view every such request as a form of submission. Partly this derives from fear of rejection. Partly, it’s just a pain in the ass to try to find a time that works for everyone.

But, I think the real heart of this terror may beat out the belief that no one really wants anything – that the entire fabric of reality is built up like one giant, horrible lie. That therefore it can be executed by rote application of a simple system.

But, this is probably just projection of the belief that my own heart yearns for nothing – that I am always a breath away from death and to conceive of life in any other way is dishonest and insipid. That I cannot want, but this means that I cannot be, in society. That I am not driven by extreme lust, so I cannot participate in dating and sex. That I am not driven by extreme desires for material and physical satisfaction, so I cannot participate in capitalism consumerism. That my lack of participation in consumerist means that my “career” and skills are incoherent. My lack of want means that I do not fit.

My lack of want may mean that my heart is already dead / that it has turned into a diamond / that whatever spirit animates this body is temporary / that I am schizophrenic and manifesting different spirits constantly / that this body is haunted by ghosts / that I am nothing but a whirl of ghosts / that these ghosts will evaporate and my body will slide into the abyss / that the universe is cold and hard and rock.

(did you know that hollywood films and porn and all that are really just to create these extreme wants in you – that without them you become like me – hollow and clean – it is sad but it is happy – but it is tired and it is clean)


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  1. blim micky said, on November 2, 2012 at 10:28 am

    been enjoying René Daumal’s paper trail lately. I had picked up his book of pataphysical essays last spring, for its piece on laughter, and its bite on subjective lycanthropism, (which goes on to make up the possibility of ‘prematurely realizing the process of metempsychosis’ .. which the shapeshifting self-destructing monster megazord in/perm-me-ating-meating-me can relate to.)

    then I came across him again, dredging sanskrit & researching the Primordial Tradition
    ( wkp☼ ‘Against the “modern error,” Traditionalists propose a “Primordial Tradition”, transmitted from the very origin of humanity and partially restored by each genuine founder of a new religion.’ ||| asger jorn ]artist, background funder of the Situationist International[ 1961 premonitions on 22nd century religion w.r.t equivalence @ “Pataphysics: A Religion in the Making” )
    in the usual process of questioning what’s under the chairs I find myself sitting..

    he seems like a cool dude, though I find it deceptively easy to feel that way when there is someone historically more cleverly critical of other clever critics. (surrealists < ha ha < simplists). did his fair share of his period's psychoactives, stuck texts out there, Le Grand Jeu, and died (1908-1944) writing Mount Analogue, A Novel of Symbolically Authentic Non-Euclidean Adventures in Mountain Climbing. It is an engaging read, fast or slow, and I found its advice imaginatively practical. for some reason, I had a blip of hesitation once I re-realized the film Holy Mountain took inspiration from it, perhaps because the trip-out factor / fractal-tack / ~kabbalah waltzing psychedillyo.. but Daumal plays straightfaced, keeps his analogy tied to alpinism and speculative expeditions, and well, this is all getting to a particular point,

    as they publish a few notes and collected papers instead of attempting to construct an ending,
    Véra Daumal closes in afterword, which I'd say 'spoiler' if it were an end, instead of a possible process

    "Daumal continued by sketching what he meant to show in the final chapter of his book:
    ' In the end, I want to focus at length on one of the laws of Mount Analogue: to reach the summit, one must go from camp to camp. But before leaving a camp, one must prepare those who are coming to occupy the place one leaves behind. Only after preparing them can one climb higher. That is why, before dashing off to a new camp, we had to go back down to teach our new knowledge to other seekers . . .'

    [. . .]
    The title of his last chapter was to be:
    And you, what are you looking for?
    [. . .]

    The indicator has been given, nonetheless, condensed in precise terms in one of the last letters he wrote me saying:

    ' Here is how I have summarized for myself what I would like those who work here with me to understand:

    I am dead because I have no desire,
    I have no desire because I think I possess,
    I think I possess because I do not try to give;
    Trying to give, we see that we have nothing,
    Seeing that we have nothing, we try to give ourselves,
    Trying to give ourselves, we see that we /are/ nothing,
    Seeing that we are nothing, we desire to become,
    Desiring to become, we live.

    ' "

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