Bigsley the Oaf

Desire Desire

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on September 14, 2012

Oh, lonely healer – with no one to heal –

You are inclined to manifest illness to consume your power.

—–

I was walking home from the BART station after dropping Emma off and I passed by a bar. I was drawn to the bar. Here is a place where people will talk to you, if you want to talk to them – where you can share compassion – where you can lend an ear.

My being drawn to the bar was a strange feeling, because I have a great number of memories of times spent in and around bars whose associated emotions were strongly divergent from this. I remember being repelled or scared by bars. I remember spending time in bars thinking “why does anyone go to a bar?” I did not, for a very long time, understand why bars existed. I thought they were dirty and loud and boring. I wondered why unattractive people would spend time together. I didn’t get it. [1]

Now I was drawn in and actually had to fight this pull. I was not entirely in control. One interesting fact is that I could fight the pull. [2]

Anyway, I’m too tired to finish this post, but I wanted to outline the basic point, here; which is that people in our society generally connect over their shared desires. Which is weird because we are also in control of our desires to some extent. E.g. if I allow myself to become hungry then this is power I can use to, for instance, visit communal eating places or cook with people. If we foment our passions we are able to then direct them towards the development of connections with other humans. You help me, I help you sorta thing. The weirdness stems from the self-consciousness with which these desires can be interacted with. Do you see it? Do you feel it? This weirdness?

Without desire aren’t we weak to connect? If we are taken care of – then what? How do we touch other people? Why would we want to?

I mean, it’s not like connection is the end-all be-all. It just feels like part of the Thing.

—–

[1] Actually, this feeling goes all the way back to 7th grade or so. My first “school dance” was a horrible combination of scary, boring, and sad. I didn’t “get” why kids would willingly spend time at one of these things, and I felt like a total reject weirdo for not wanting to participate. Wasn’t this what “normal” kids wanted?

[2] My willpower seems to be increasingly, strangely.

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One Response

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  1. emmajolin said, on September 14, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    Do you think it’s harder to connect in America now that our needs are more easily fulfilled?


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