Bigsley the Oaf

Sober

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on July 2, 2012

The problem with being sober, well. Let me tell you about it.

If I kept being sober forever I’d probably drift into the forest and I’d probably fall apart and probably become just a bunch of rocks and twigs. See?

The problem is that there’s no way out. The problem is that there’s no way out. You can blow your brains out, but you ain’t getting out. You’re stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck. The void is there, always, sucking you. You can’t get away.

Not if you’re sober, no.

The thing is, I’ve been sober for 2 weeks. No alcohol, no cigarettes, no caffeine, no sugar even. I’ve been 100% stone cold fucking sober. And it’s been the hardest 2 weeks of my life, hands down. I’ve gone through more of an emotional shitstorm than I could have ever imagined I’d have gone through.

And I’m grateful that I went through it. It hurt like a motherfucker, but I’ve been learning about all the blindspots and weaknesses and perversions that I’ve allowed to accumulate in my life. I’ve been brought face to face with the ways that I am weak – the shit that I have been compensating for with chemicals.

But shit has started to creep up on me. I started adding people back as friends on facebook. I followed people on twitter who I didn’t give a shit about. I have become more self-absorbed, almost self-obsessed.

I’ve become increasingly obsessive. I’ve become unstable. I’ve become weak.

I’ve become austere and irascible. Misanthropic and weird. Utilitarian.

I don’t like it. I don’t like the fundamental stuff of being sober all the time. It is one perspective, uni-dimensional.

I smoked a few cigarettes earlier tonight.

I feel very calm. I feel in control. I feel like I can push things out of my mind which I don’t want there. I feel stable.

I feel cool, even.

I don’t know what this all means, yet.

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2 Responses

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  1. Graham said, on July 3, 2012 at 11:03 pm

    I think there’s two entirely different types of sober, depending on whether or not you are currently addicted to a substance. Sobriety is the functioning alcoholic while drinking, but not yet drunk; sobriety is also the child who knows not of the substance-altered mind. An alcoholic is essentially not sober while abstaining, because all thoughts revolve around the substance. Similarly, can country folk be sober in a city? I think not. The calm, collected, controlling mind exists only when needs are met — hunger, thirst, sex, cigarettes, clean mountain air, playtime, well-rested. Sobriety is knowing right where you are on Maslow’s pyramid, and being there, happy.

  2. bigsleytheoaf said, on July 4, 2012 at 1:12 am

    This is an extremely helpful insight Graham, thanks!


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