Bigsley the Oaf

Wild Notes

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on June 28, 2012

I’m reading “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed (aka “Dear Sugar”) and it’s about her mother’s death, now. And I can’t help being moved to tears constantly, now. And I can’t help but relate every part to my life and I can’t help it I can’t help it I can’t

When did I forget that life is not pre-packaged, that you can do things however you want to? That you can get angry for no reason that you can freak out for no reason that you can love or hate or kill or steal or do anything that you fucking want it’s your fucking life

I was reading it and I had a thought and I wrote it down on the bookmark:

Sometimes I want to grab my friends and shake them violently and say

“You don’t have to be this way! You can be any way at all! You are so beautiful and vibrant and free!”

Society society society we’re all so fucking in it god fucking dammit I’m so close my exit urge is so strong I have such desire to just walk the fuck away and keep on fucking walking

This is perverse this is sick this is horror this is beyond horror this is a quaking terrible god-shaking abyss

There is nothing to look forward to. There is nothing to look into. The whole of it is empty. Cheryl tried to be a mother to us all, to connect us to her mother, to empty our her heart to help us see our own but

Just like at the end of “Network” when Howard tells everyone how depressing everything is and how it’s impossible and we tried but we failed and oh well

Well what the fuck do we do while we wait do we rail against the rainbow black shimmering abyss surrounding our bubble infantile delusion

FUCK

The overwhelming feeling that this life is fake that this life is constructed by forces that our deaths and lives and births and loves and horrors are all fake

The feeling that if my mother died I would cry and I would be sad but I would get over it and move on

I read this book and I mourn my lack of any sort of real anything

I am constantly moving I am constantly changing I am constantly shifting I am constantly evaluating and criticizing and analyzing and taking details into account I am constantly helping others I am constantly thinking of others

There is no time there is no space for anything even remotely approaching a real thing

The idea is so scary – the idea of moving into the woods – the idea of getting away – the idea of actually thinking, actually having space, actually having kids as in

ACTUALLY FUCKING HAVING KIDS

Not birthing children
With a partner
Putting them in school
So that they can birth children
With a partner

But actually having children and if you don’t know the distinction then fuck you who needs you?

Actually feeling your children, actually being their actual world
Their actual, their real
Their truth, their wisdom

Not contributing your genetic material to a system which doesn’t give a fuck about you which is a sick whirlwind designed to drag you in and force you into a submissive pose SUBMIT SUBMIT GOD IS SUBMISSION

Fuck you you do not know God and how dare you call me an atheist I have seen the face of God a thousand times if you have seen it once

I am worried that if you’re reading this you’ll think I’ve gone mad.
Perhaps I have gone a bit mad but I am so fucking sick and tired of being sane.

If this is madness then what, exactly, is sanity? The idea that we should not even mourn such a great loss? Fuck this I’m not going to defend myself.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: