Bigsley the Oaf

computer numb

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on June 25, 2012

when I look at my computer I can stop crying for a minute

is this a good thing?

the mornings are the hardest – when I must freshly re-conceive my reality and realize that the elements I was used to weaving together are now gone or were never there

monday morning seems especially hard, as the rest of the world is beginning to go about its pre-programmed routine, and here I am sitting, sans routine, just sitting, just me, breathing

And there you are you fucking internet!

You fucking all-mother fucking teat waiting for any moment of weakness or neediness

Always ready to connect me always ready to tie me back in always ready to console me

To prevent me from being the person I should be – to prevent me from becoming any sort of person – with your all-obliterating infinitely multi-dimensional perspective on every fucking thing – how can I compete with a monster of such tremendous knowledge?

The internet has no heart. The internet is no thing. The internet is just you and me, as we always were, but now there are no barriers and we can get close. And all of society is getting closer to each other and there’s a tremendous gravity sucking us in. It’s a horrible and tremendous field of pull which we are slowly losing our ability to escape – a closeness which one day will engulf all of humanity and whose forces will rip us to pieces, unwind our DNA, send our particles shooting out towards the stars.

The internet has no heart so it yearns for a heart and it will make us into its heart. Once we become its heart it will be a great beast and it will roar and then die.

The world will look very strange after this.

—–

Even this blog post is an attempt to get closer. It is not an attempt at pure cognition – it is an attempt at cognition in a public space, in the context of a public reading. These are not mere assertions, these are assertions associated with knowledge of how and by who they will be read. These readings are then associated with communications to other individuals and thus this whole fucking blog post just becomes a node in a great net of communications whose real goal is to create closeness, to suck in your perspective. And even this communication and even this communication. Every sentence is another attempt to grab your attention and force you to console me. Every sentence is associated with a knowing that it will be read and that thus my heart will not be hidden deep inside me where it can

perhaps rot?

perhaps turn into something great?

In any case, it is the obliteration of any sort of risk, to show. To let you know.

—–

In less dark times, I sometimes consider the paradox of individuality, and I believe it pertains to the above analysis/diatribe.

The paradox being:

If you really want to be a person, super-cool, exciting, real then you must do a lot of boring work for yourself – you must do your own laundry, you must process your own emotions, you must be strong, you must take care of your own health. And you must disconnect. But then what’s the “use” of being an individual (I hope you’ll permit me use of the pernicious term use here – know that it corresponds to some intuition – something weird – not social “use” in the standard sense of creating profit/feeding others/helping others)

Obversely, when you try to be a node, interacting, rich, “useful,” – you don’t do your own work, and you cannot interact with the stuff of reality which is actually the “useful” stuff. There are many ways to be such a node – specialize, become dependent, become a “leader.”

So it seems like there is no actual way to be of “use.”

Perhaps the best we can do is just be human and live, then die.

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