Bigsley the Oaf

Am I as I am now?

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on June 23, 2012

Am I as I am now?

I am going through a separation from my wife. Am I as I am now? Weak and sorry, sitting on my couch with a headache, obsessing over a new woman, worried about writing this post, worried about who might see this post?

I quit smoking. Am I as I am now? Ravenous for a puff it would be so good. Tense and shivering. Attempting to feel everything, trying to overcome everything at once, trying to be too much at once, on the verge of collapse. 

Do I have a moral free pass? I am stressed and pushed. I haven’t slept or eaten. There’s very little left in the tank. I feel like these are the times that people commit atrocities. My temper flares. I am worried about destroying what relationships I have left.

I am alone. Am I as I am now? Or am I as I am when I’m surrounded by folks and grooving on their vibes? Are my feelings towards them the seething worry and hatred that I feel when I’m away, or the warmth and compassion when I am near?


Of course there is no “I” to be any way, but this is thin consolation at the moment. I am ego-full. Not only I am, but all the people are me are ego-full for me. They’re trying to help. All eyes on Chris! Make sure he doesn’t sail away.

It’s funny, this. The idea that there can be greater weight on my ego than just my own body/mind/spirit – that the bodies and minds and spirits of those around me can pile on too, driving me inexorably and recurrently towards a conception of self. 

What is happening, here? Are they trying to make me into a new “me” or help me find a new “me” to be, so that they can stop worrying? So that they can go back to their own egos and the egos of others around them?

I believe that I have a newfound “network consciousness” – when I meet someone I immediately begin thinking about who they know, and who those people know. Where are they in the fabric?

Perhaps one way to escape the cage of ego, in this modern day and age, is to try to ruin others’ attempts at speculation w/r/t your network connectedness. Do not use Facebook. Do not advertise your friends or talk about your friends. Do not define your power as the sum of the power of your friends. Your power is your power.

But how can we go beyond this conception of “your power as your power” to “power as power” – dislocated from self entirely? Is there a key?

I am a node which admits flux of ego and focus. Am I as I am now?


One Response

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  1. Graham said, on June 25, 2012 at 5:16 am

    I mean this in all seriousness and with no implications: have you tried not thinking about it? Love is basically a description of the outward direction of a central force, a force inside of you that has constant magnitude. If you point it inwards, it is Ego. I think Love is essentially the same thing as Focus. I bet if you go do something you really love and can immerse yourself in, you’ll feel better.

    Also I think that the power of the sum of your friends is important. It is the context within which your own power can be fully realized. E.g. I designed an alternate form of music theory but it was both useless and fundamentally lacking until I started to help initiate a community. This community arose largely through chance meetings and willingness to trust. And the friends in that community became interested in my ideas, as I became interested in theirs, and had suggestions and further implications that increased the power of the theory (and thus my power).

    If it helps, you might want to know that Beth coincidentally has also just quit smoking — she smoked for 10 years, stopping Thursday before last. You’re both going to make it. I believe in you!

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