Bigsley the Oaf

Death by Gaze

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on October 11, 2010

I have the urge today to perform some Deceptive Act. To deceive Jen, my parents, my friends. To deceive everyone. Something like getting a secret mistress or starting a different job without telling anyone.

I suppose that a great deal of this urge dwells in my desire to avoid report. I feel like my life has become increasingly accounted for. I feel as if there’s some committee looming over me, watching what I do, wanting to know where I will be and with whom and why. I feel that this committee has great power, if only by the mere presence of its gaze. I have said before that I believe the gaze is a powerful thing.

I realize that I created and create the committee. I believe that most of the pressure to report comes from within. I suppose that some of this compulsion is due to narcissism, some is due to worry that I’m doing the wrong thing, some is due to the feeling that if I were to die my information would die with me, unless I let it be known. Regardless, it’s not as if there is some abstract entity which is pushing me to give detailed descriptions of my interactions with the world – I am all there is, here. Or 99% of it, anyway.

And I constantly feel as if there’s no breaking free except in a sudden, violent act. There is no escaping this self-imposed gaze in cooperation with it. It draws you back in. It protects itself. It wishes to continue watching. How do you change yourself, except violently? Is there a way? Can this question be answered in such abstraction?

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