Bigsley the Oaf

Up Here

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on October 28, 2010

Come on up here with me and we’ll exit the blue feathery ocean of our world’s complete feelings. So far from noise we’ll sip tea and feel the tips of each others’ hairs. Images of trees upon meadows on warm summer days and dark peaceful woods will flood the minds of us, the minds that are not at all barking about our us and our world. Come up past the trees and folks hanging hooks on clouds. Come past the moonbases and starworlds. Transcend galaxies rife with spiders casting strands and birds clamping bits of string and bone in dry beaks. Try to emerge from beyond the top of your skull and embrace my warm sunshine hand with your whole. It it it.


The Process

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on October 27, 2010

I believe that a great number of my interests took root in hatred and its corresponding desires. I wanted to be better than other people (intellectually, spiritually). I wanted to destroy what they believed in (religiously, politically, practically). I wanted to set myself apart.

But now that I have, these feelings are useless. They can’t compel me to study math, play go, program computers, rock climb, play guitar, etc. etc. So much of my personality has been bound up in the desire to become better at these things. How often do I just play go or play guitar rather than thinking about how to do these things? How often do I let the content just come flowing out.

Anyway, I wonder if it’s time to drop the hatred. Perhaps I will be weaker, but I will not be bankrupt. The process of separation which had its foundation in hatred has given me perspective, has given me my own space in which to create a world.

This is how I feel at the moment; I am hopeful.


Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on October 27, 2010

It blows my mind just how much time I spend suffering the fools.

The Insult of Complete Understanding

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on October 13, 2010

In my mind the idea of completely understanding someone is fundamentally insulting.

Suppose that someone told you that they knew why you made a difficult life choice. What if they offered a freudian interpretation, claiming that you were dumping your girlfriend because she was too much like your mother. Or perhaps you’re quitting your job because you just “can’t commit.”

The idea of understanding someone is insulting because it implies that their motivations are simple. The fact that I can explain anything implies that it is simple or, at least, much more simple than we give ourselves credit for being.

But what if you really are simple? What if your personality and most of your interactions with the real world can really be explained using easy words like “confident” or “idiot.” What if you’re a stereotype – what if you’re really a “jew” or “gay” or “whitebread,” not in the sense of being of jewish ethnicity, homosexual, or a motherfucking WASP, but in the sense of fitting these stereotypes to the point that your behavior and decisions become predictable to those around you.

In some sense stereotypes are so insulting because they imply a simplicity of character. To call someone a “whitebread” in the pejorative sense is to imply that they are lacking in essential humanity, a mere concept wrapped up in a physical form, nothing but a sweater-vest wearing, easy-listening listening, cracker.

And there’s a ladder of simplicity, too. I think that stereotypes are near the bottom, perhaps only self-aware idiots (idiots who know they’re idiots but won’t admit it) are below them. But above them are a whole spectrum of people whose personalities consist of combinations of increasingly complex but subtle principles. “Stubborn,” “Honest,” “Wholesome,” “Kind,” “Malevolent,” “Magnanimous”, “Enlightened” etc.

Now I’m not claiming that there’s a unique ontology of human personality. I’m not saying that, given a person, they fall somewhere along the spectrum I describe above. Perhaps there are lots of people outside of the spectrum – I like to believe that I am, for instance (probably everyone likes to believe they are – which is why it’s so insulting to claim they’re simple). I’m just trying to lay out what I see as some facts, here. There are people whose behaviors you can predict because these behaviors are similar to other behaviors that you have seen them exhibit in that they are associated with a virtue in some sort of religious/literary/cultural tradition. To the extent that this is actually true, to the extent that their behaviors ARE in fact predictable, they are simple and capable of being “understood.”

Oh and one more thing:

It’s funny, but the thing that locks people to these traits seems to be precisely their denial of them. Who seems more predictable, the idiot who knows he’s an idiot (Forrest Gump or “The Idiot” of Dostoyevsky) or the idiot who doesn’t (Bill O’Reilly or Ray Kurzweil)?


I didn’t want to talk about the low points of human existence, it was merely necessary to get to the meat of the THING. The thing I wanted to talk about is methods for going in the other direction:

WELL for one thing:

As I just mentioned, you can stop denying that you are the things you are. I guess the sort of neurotic and obsessive behaviors that emerge from a steady commitment to denial of personal truth are useful if you want to break everything in you to correct for it (every gay republican ever), but the other option is to be like water and fill the goddamn cup motherfucker! (Bruce Lee)

Actively develop some of your virtues. It’s not bad to be a stereotype if you wear if like a coat. (Chris Rock) People who reject stereotypes and all virtues (hipsters) generally blow. And if you’re self-conscious enough then you can play it like a guitar. Oh, and play the guitar even though it’s trite, if you want to.

Look for people who you can’t figure out. These people are so beautiful. The fact is that if you can explain someone there are two possible explanations. The first is that you have a habit of oversimplifying things which, if that’s true, means that you also don’t know that you do. So check that, and if you do have that habit, admit it, and try to move on – it’s hurting you more than you’ll ever know. The second possibility is that this person who you can fully or mostly explain the actions of is actually just simple. They’re so stuck on the things they are, it hurts.

Man, because the way that a thing evolves is like:

it must become a thing

it they must realize that they’ve become the thing

and it must move on.

The Path

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on October 12, 2010

I was poisoned by a fish on Friday. I suppose it’s possible that this is not what actually happened, but the facts are what they are: fish eaten Friday night, fluid storm Saturday, followed by headaches, backaches, and lethargy which lasts lasts lasts.

But, I feel that I have fallen from the path. When I lived in Japan I felt that I was making real strides towards enlightenment. Not that it’s a goal to achieve or anything. Not that I look at it like that. But life became more vibrant, not less, as I meditated, thought, practiced, became myself.

One important concept is the concept of Now. If I am to start following the path then I must do it Now. Now. Now. Then why can’t I do it Now? Now!


Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on October 11, 2010

Bella is my cat.

I wonder if Bella hates my computer. It gets to sit on my lap quite often, without even asking. Right now, Bella clearly wants to sit on my lap. For one thing, I have my comfy grey blanket on my lap. For another, it is 1:02 PM which means that she should be sleeping. She’s looking over at her green fleece blanket (every bit as comfy as my grey blanket) and clearly considering whether or not it’s worth making the trip over there or better to force her way into the space between my elbows and nuzzle in to my side. The upside of sitting on me being, of course, that I am warm.

She has decided to retreat to the green blanket. Poor Bella.

Death by Gaze

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on October 11, 2010

I have the urge today to perform some Deceptive Act. To deceive Jen, my parents, my friends. To deceive everyone. Something like getting a secret mistress or starting a different job without telling anyone.

I suppose that a great deal of this urge dwells in my desire to avoid report. I feel like my life has become increasingly accounted for. I feel as if there’s some committee looming over me, watching what I do, wanting to know where I will be and with whom and why. I feel that this committee has great power, if only by the mere presence of its gaze. I have said before that I believe the gaze is a powerful thing.

I realize that I created and create the committee. I believe that most of the pressure to report comes from within. I suppose that some of this compulsion is due to narcissism, some is due to worry that I’m doing the wrong thing, some is due to the feeling that if I were to die my information would die with me, unless I let it be known. Regardless, it’s not as if there is some abstract entity which is pushing me to give detailed descriptions of my interactions with the world – I am all there is, here. Or 99% of it, anyway.

And I constantly feel as if there’s no breaking free except in a sudden, violent act. There is no escaping this self-imposed gaze in cooperation with it. It draws you back in. It protects itself. It wishes to continue watching. How do you change yourself, except violently? Is there a way? Can this question be answered in such abstraction?

Transcension via Body

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on October 8, 2010

I had a moment of sudden enlightenment yesterday.

Basically, I realized that hot women compel me to transcend mundane reality like WAY more than ugly women do. Wait, this is weird:

So I’m undeniably an organic entity with organic legs and organic arms. And whatever my spirit is, it’s connected to this shit/piss/puss/cum-shedding exterior and not in a loose way, either. Drugs, sex, violence, and bodily threats all send my mind/spirit into a headspin so anyway:

I mean, hot women make me think, explode, create. Most of my own personal development as a human can be linked in some way to an attempt to please or impress somebody sexy.

So anyway, I was thinking that this might be kind of the crux of the whole form being emptiness THING. Because after all, what can be more conventional and incidental than physical attraction? What can be more lacking of real, essential characteristic.

So maybe to let the muse move me is my highest form of liberation. Or perhaps by rejecting the flesh I will find an even higher form. Perhaps this perception of perfect alignment between my values and the desires of an external sucking system is fallacious. Oh man, that last sentence is awesome.

This is the best thing I’ve ever written.

New Graphics Work

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on October 8, 2010

I did some new graphics work. I also created a flickr account and uploaded my new graphics work. I also created a framework for creating graphics programs. I also went to Moscow. I also pasted the link to my flickr account right here: I also thought about how tired I was, just now. I am also not a cat.