Bigsley the Oaf

circle serpent

Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on August 7, 2010

Ice island breaking off of Greenland glacier reminds me of life’s fragility.

At any moment an alternate universe could come crashing into ours at high speed, erasing life as we know it. At any moment the ice caps could melt, or wild fires could run through the countryside, choking us with their smoke.

Such thoughts drown me out. White noise descends and I start a go game. I want anything but to think about these stark realities. Anything.

People have all sorts of theories about what causes adults to become lame as they enter their thirties/fourties. Kids, job, bodily/mental deterioration. My theory is that fear of death begins to set in. Older men and women begin to realize that nothing special will ever happen. Perhaps they begin to understand their place in the universe – a speck of dust on a lonely planet. Really coming to terms with this realization – living with it, examining it from all angles – the only conclusion that you can reasonably come to is that your effect on the universe is abysmally minimal.

So OK. I know this. I believe this. Then why do I complain about not having enough friends? Why do I whine about work? Why does this intellectual nihilism not release me from values I see as empty – learned – artificial – historical accumulation – trash?

And here’s where the serpent bites its own tail: I am compelled to detail all of this in this blog, right now, but why? If I truly believed that my death is certain and that it will seal my life as meaningless, incidental, nothing, then why do I try?

The sad truth may be that there is no escaping my values. I am a machine just like you. I can’t just stop caring about pussy and beer. I can’t stop seeing patterns. I can’t stop thinking about tomorrow and yesterday. I am a serpent clamping down with all its might, unwilling to let go, to unwind into the void.

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