Bigsley the Oaf


Posted in Uncategorized by bigsleytheoaf on April 30, 2010

Goddamn it.

Why am I stuck in so many binds? I will list them and try to describe them honestly. I will warn you that this post will be quite vulgar:

1.) Work binds –

I need to work to make money, so I can’t quit
but I want to make money so that I can be happy, but I can’t be happy if I work

I want to quit my job so that I can have time to pursue my own interests
but I would feel very bad about betraying my fellow workers at this important moment in the company’s history

2.) Social binds

I really want to spend time with friends, on friends, writing emails, communicating
but I feel like I do not have enough time to make such communication complete, meaningful, real

I want to hang out more, “chill more,”
but I worry that I’m not spending my time meaningfully, interestingly, effectively

I want to tell people what they mean to me,
but I don’t want to reify/deify/exaggerate my relationships
I believe that every directed action may be a lie and thus I desire to avoid lies

3.) Romantic binds

I really want to have sex with more women, romance more women, be tied up by more women,
but this would put a strain on my relationship with Jen

4.) Drug binds

I want to smoke, goddamn it!
but it makes me a terror, inconsolable, unfriendly, ruins my health, god

I really want to do more drugs,
but it makes me worse at my job, at thinking, at reasoning, at achieving any sort of semblance of enlightenment

5.) Etc.

Goddamn it, I want to be HONEST again
because I am so very fucking DISHONEST in everything that I do
with everyone I know
in everything that I say
Even here, even now!
But then, if I were to tell the truth
then my careful web of lies would come crashing down and it would just be ME


2 Responses

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  1. Zarvoc said, on May 7, 2010 at 2:40 am

    I’m not in any romantic binds but I agree wholeheartedly with the rest of this. I feel dishonest, daily. I feel like I’m not “living my life”, but buying into an illusion that the rest of everyone (everyone?) has bought wholesale. I’m supposed to be fostering a community of intellectuals, dammit! What is it with this daily grind bullshit?

    There needs to be a system. There needs to be a project.

  2. bigsleytheoaf said, on May 11, 2010 at 6:57 am

    Well stop it!

    It doesn’t matter, anyway, Give Peace a France looms! Only 2.5 years til’ take-off!

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